6 a.m. Word Vomit 3/6/2018

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This morning I was woken up by a bad dream about my dad. I can honestly say I hate the moments that I dream about him because they’re usually very sad. And this particular dream I had this insane vision that he had faked his death for the purposes of running away to another country and marrying another woman.

The crazy thing is, in part of this dream I was riding in a car with one of my grandmothers and she was trying to console me, and I just remember feeling so betrayed. The reality is I do feel betrayed, and regardless of how it played out in the dream, the truth is he did leave us but he didn’t fake his death.

He really is dead. And, I find myself so mad this morning, and yet I know that I can’t continue to blame him for my current situation or anyone else’s.

No matter what he did, or anything he’s ever said or has ever done in the past, the harsh truth is my mom, my sister, and I have all made our own choices.

No matter what I say, think, or do, I really can’t blame my dad anymore for anything that has happened or anything that is to come to be.

Did he influence a lot of things growing up? Yes! But at that same time I always had a choice, and I guess I’m realizing now that I still have so many choices.
One of those choices is whether or not to keep letting my dad destroy me. I must say I am hell-bent on making sure that this does not happen.
I refuse to spend the rest of my life simply waiting to die. As much as I am afraid to do so many things that I want to do, what scares me more is coming to the end of my life only to look back and realize I wasted it.
I’m starting to believe that my life purpose might simply be to show others the power of infusing as much joy as possible into your life. Perhaps that’s what I’m really supposed to be doing – showing people that even though there are a lot of things about life that are really hard, infusing life with joy makes those hard things just a little bit easier.
Yes, I know that one of the things I want to do is teach. I want to help people make their businesses better with blogging. I want to help people learn the things that I learn as I learn them.
I want to learn and then teach things like life hacks, making things easier, how to save more money, how to make more money, how to organize and make habits that help the day-to-day to flow easier and better.
But this morning what was heavy on my heart, the heaviest in fact, it’s just trying to inspire people with everything that is in me to bring as much joy to every moment of their lives as humanly possible.

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