I haven’t really talked much about my dad publicly lately, but yesterday some conversations about him unearthed a lot of feels that I tried to pretend didn’t affect me.
I can’t stand how much anger, sadness, resentment and frustration I still harbor towards him and what he did…
Then, just a few moments ago something triggered the hell out of me, and now I’m sitting here typing this through tears even though it’s been an otherwise really lovely day.
I wish he had chosen to save himself. I wish he had chosen to get help – he had soooo many opportunities and encouragement. I wish he hadn’t left the way he did.
I wish I could let go of all the guilt I feel even though I know deep down nothing I could have said would have changed anything – ultimately it was his choice…everything in his life was his choice….even taking his own life was his choice… I wish so many things that will simply never be.
When I have children, they will never know him, and I am bothered by the fact that I can’t help feeling like it’s a good thing because he was soooooooo negative. When I get my first house, he will never walk through the front door.
When I finally achieve my biggest goals in my business, he won’t be there, and I hate that I feel like nothing I ever did was enough to make him proud enough of me. And the most heartbreaking reality of all, is thinking back on how many times he wasn’t there when I needed him before he left me for good.
I wish I could understand the skewed thoughts he had of believing the only way to show love was to work a job he hated to buy my sister and I crap we didn’t need. I wish it made sense to me that he truly believed the world would be better without him. I wish…I can’t even explain all the things I wish.
So many things still keep coming back that I have blocked out for so many years, and as they reveal themselves they feel like freshly opened wounds as if the hurt occurred today. I’m a survivor of suicide, and it still sucks. My life is forever changed by the choice he can’t take back, and that he can’t mend.
I truly pray that my heart will let me completely forgive him for the choice he made. I thought I had forgiven him. But in this moment… I know I haven’t yet.